Poems
by Tony Dawson

Fate

 

In nineteen-ninety, in early spring,

Fiona Maidenhead wed Arthur King.

Her virginal surname was naturally lost,

and her virginity, at no extra cost.

 

When Fiona was born, her mother decided

to name her for Ursula, in whom she’d confided

when she was at school. And her father proposed

calling her Carole, which would be unopposed

 

because his wife was a keen Carole King fan.

It seemed preordained that a brilliant young man,

Arthur King, who’d been wooing their daughter,

should end up beside her in front of the altar.

 

Arthur always regarded his wife as the best,

while everyone thought Fiona was blessed.

Her husband, proud of her educational success,

was thrilled at the way she never ceased to impress.

 

Fiona was made Head of a new Quaker school,

but Fate, it turned out, was remarkably cruel.

She was told by the Friends and other officials

that her nameplate only had room for initials…

 

 

 

 

 

Hermaphrodite

 

When you’re monoecious,

who needs a dating app?

Certainly not the silver birch,

Betula pendula or even

Betula pubescens, the downy birch.

How convenient to be hermaphrodite.

Under the current regime in the USA

an Executive Order would be signed

banning their planting on the grounds

that all genders are binary, either male

or female. Being both is not allowed

and anything in between is anathema.

Betula pubescens would surely appeal

to Epstein’s old friends because they bloom

between the ages of five and ten years old.

Donald would feel positively manly

in the shade of Betula pendula:

its catkins droop and only measure

an insignificant three centimeters.

Even less than a mushroom...

 

 

 

 

 

The Golfer of America

 

In golf, as in jazz

“it don’t mean a thing

if it ain’t got that swing”

and poor Donny Trump

is to golf what Florence

Foster Jenkins was to opera.

Just as she couldn’t

sing a note, he can’t

hit a ball straight.

Moreover, golf is known

as a gentleman’s game

which puts Donny Trump

at an obvious disadvantage.

His innate golf handicap

is his inability to play

by the rules because

rules are for losers.

Donny won’t admit

to losing. He wins

by hook or by crook

and preferably the latter.

His scorecards tend

to be works of fiction

based on his cheating

as recorded in

the bestseller

“Commander in Cheat.”

 

 

 

 

 

Donnie the Autarch

 

They call me the Great Pretender,

and even the Great Rule Bender,

as well as the Great Law Breaker,

not to mention the Great News Faker.

Another of my roles is a Mafia boss,

who, quite frankly, does not give a toss,

but I’m really a wannabe Dictator.

I don’t model myself just on Putin,

or Kim Jong Un or Xi Ping.

My special heroes also take in

Fascist dictators like Mussolini,

Franco, Hitler, and Stalin,

for they knew so much about

keeping all kinds of imports out.

Their system, I’m told, was autarky.

I like that it rhymes with oligarchy.

Now my new, big, beautiful idea

nearly drowning in my logorrhoea

is the home-baked Apple pie.

That’s gonna be one in the eye

for Tim who I’ve fired as the Cook

unless he puffs up my pocketbook.

I’ll glaze it with a 25% tariff

just to rub in who’s the sheriff.

Meanwhile, because I’m a prick,

It’ll sell like a cup of cold sick.

 

A word to the wise…

or in this case the chump.

The Orange Oaf, Donald J Trump,

a President with mental deficiency

must be told that the self-sufficiency

of an economy is a pipe dream

that’s vanished like a cloud of steam

in whichever country it’s been tried.

All such economies ended up fried:

Each dictator caused a recession,

that was followed by a depression.

So, their failed attempts at autarky

and other kinds of malarkey

led to economic underdevelopment,

in other words what that meant

was that with trade barriers in place

it was impossible to keep pace

with countries that continued to trade

with others. Those behind a blockade,

while the local dictator held sway,

became poorer with each passing day.

It’s fair to say, as a rule of thumb,

to inflict this on America is dumb.

 

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